“Yes, I was angry. And I was a little afraid. After all I’ve not been free in so long. But, when I felt that anger well up inside of me, I realized that if I hated them after I got outside that gate, then they would still have me. I wanted to be free so I let it go.”
~Nelson Mandela upon leaving prison after 27 years of confinement
Frustrated, impatient, pissed off, raging…aaarrrrrrgh! Yes, it’s normal to feel angry – you are human, after all. But if anger causes problems in your life – if it interferes with your health and happiness – then consider these 10 life-changing facts. Get curious about anger, and you just might discover an untapped well of vital energy that improves your life circumstances and wakes you up to the whole of life.
1. It’s easier to feel anger than hurt.
Anger tends to be a surface emotion. But if you look at what is driving the anger, you will often find hurt, pain, or fear. Can you tell the truth to yourself about what you are actually feeling? Can you meet the depth of your experience with supreme kindness? You might be surprised at the freedom you discover.
2. Anger has a strong physical component.
Bring out the microscope when you are angry, and you will find strong physical sensations – tightness, contraction, burning. Anger is a fiery emotion full of energy. If you don’t want to be caught in anger, bring your attention right into these physical sensations.
Without running a story in your mind, fully allow yourself to feel what is present. It might be difficult, but you won’t actually combust, I promise you. Be real with your sensations, and eventually the anger will stop controlling you.
3. Perfectionists are angry.
Are you a perfectionist? Then take an honest look at what you are saying to yourself. You will undoubtedly find a repetitive loop playing in your mind that is harsher than you might imagine.
Don’t kid yourself – this is anger. If you don’t want to be a slave to your perfectionist tendencies, then go to the root of the problem and learn to meet your anger with love.
4. Stories sustain anger.
Angry stories barrel through our minds like an out-of-control train careening down the tracks. To find freedom from anger, you must recognize the story and see that repeating it doesn’t serve you. Yes, what happened happened. But how much longer are you going to let it be your ball and chain?
Here are some strategies to help you soften the story:
- Open up with compassion to everyone involved, including yourself.
- Recognize that you are bringing the past into the present by repeating the story endlessly.
- Bring your full attention into the sensations you are experiencing in the moment.
- Commit to bringing all your actions in alignment with what you really, really want.
5. Anger comes from an overblown sense of self-importance.
Often, what underlies anger are statements like, “I’m right” and “I want my way.” There is a huge attachment to “I” and the beliefs that “I” holds that causes separation and disharmony.
Recognize these “I”-focused statements and know that they keep you locked into one way of thinking. Then inquire:
- Am I really right?
- Does this wanting to be right serve me – and others?
- What does it mean to want my own way? What are the implications?
Exploration of these “I”-focused beliefs can lead you to untangle the deepest knots that block your happiness.
6. Anger causes separation.
Speaking of separation, what are the effects when you are angry? Anger pushes people away, scares them, makes them fight back or shut down. Relationships don’t have room to breathe when they are defined by anger. “How could you?” “You shouldn’t have…” Sound familiar?
Remember that anger – or any reaction – is not the fault of the other. If you are angry, look within yourself. Lovingly investigate what has been triggered in you, and your whole perspective on the situation will shift.
7. Anger gets attention.
Maybe you express anger because you want attention. Depending on the circumstance, this could be a useful strategy.
But consider this: there may be other ways for you to express yourself so that you are heard. Open up your mind and heart to all the possibilities.
8. Unexplored anger can mute your experience of life.
Are you sitting on a hotbed of anger, but keeping it so underground that you can hardly live? Some people are so intent on keeping peace that they minimize the truth of their experience.
Are you asleep at the wheel, attached to inner peace and pleasant living? Exploring the seeds of anger can enliven you to all of life.
9. Anger can transform into useful action.
Taking in all the problems in the world can bring about a sense of injustice. Yet, if you move from anger, you are missing out on the whole picture.
Meet your anger with love and let your heart break open. Then move forward with actions that are wise and skillful.
10. Anger traps you.
The arising of anger is not necessarily a problem, and is not even under your control. What matters is how you relate to anger once it is present. If you dwell in the energetic sensations and convince yourself that your thoughts are true, anger overtakes you.
But there is an alternative: feel the sensations and tell the truth about the story. Then anger is your ally – revealing more and more deeply the essence of you.
How does anger impact your life? What is your experience of dealing with it? I’d love to hear.
24 Comments
Aaahhh…anger. You have described my mother to perfection here in this post. Although, I too, was once a very angry person.
It is hard to let go of…but keeps you from so much goodness. I’ve watched while people have received the exact thing (feeling) they have been screaming for…and miss it completely because they are so identified with the anger.
Great post…The greatest gift I gave myself was to let go of the anger.
Dawn´s last [type] ..Be Thankful for all the Bullshit!
Can we all let our hearts break over this one, Dawn? To be so focused on reacting to the lack of a good feeling that we don’t even realize that it is already here. There are so many ways that we pretend we are damaged, lacking, not good enough. Then we rage about what we perceive we don’t have.
All distortion. In the clarity of an unencumbered mind, everything we ever longed for is here in abundance.
Excellent insights as to hidden anger. Please elaborate on the Perfectionist and anger – I am not understanding the dynamics.
AND, I love getting these in my email!
Thanks you so much.
Hi JK! Great to see you.
I think it was Freud who said that depression is anger turned inward. But in another sense, perfectionism is anger turned inward directly toward oneself. The self-talk of perfectionistic types is usually relentlessly harsh. There is no way they can live up to their own standards, leading to anger about not being able to always get it right.
But, as always, don’t take my word for it. If perfectionism plagues you, investigate. Look at what is driving the thoughts and behavior. Discover the source of the unhappiness and find the place where peace seems to be missing. Allow whatever you find to be present in the great space of awareness. Then you will see the true gift of perfectionism.
I agree that under anger is often hurt. Particularly the seemingly prolonged anger, the anger that just seems to eat us up inside. I found those angry stories that didn’t seem to go away were hitting at my deepest fears and vulnerabilities and had more to say about my concerns and beliefs about myself than the circumstances and people involved that provoked the anger. They pointed out the places where I felt unworthiness about myself. Trying to get, or believing the people involved in the circumstances should behave differently was beside the point. I needed to address my own concerns about my own perceived inadequacies and as they were gradually addressed, with great self-compassion, the anger naturally subsided. It can be a blessing, but, boy oh boy, is it difficult to see in the middle of its fire.
Bonnie,
You are unstoppable in your desire for the truth. So refreshing and inspiring. Thank you.
When we are angry at others, we are missing the point. The best thing we can do is hold up the mirror and see what has been triggered inside us. The angry stories can be so convincing, and the anger itself is energizing. There needs to be a deep desire to be free. And in that the fire of anger, when allowed to burn without the story, is a cleansing, holy fire.
Hi Gail,
Well put together. Anger has so many facets. I get angry at myself when I don’t achieve what I set out to achieve. It gets me going though….I then have another attempt at getting a better result.
be good to yourself
David
David´s last [type] ..To Love what you do…..Become your own Guru
Hi David,
Every moment is a renewal, so there is always a chance to try again. Angry at ourselves for our failures – such a common form of suffering. In NLP, they say there is no failure, only feedback. So what seems like a failure can be a true learning opportunity.
My shrink tells me, anger is but the surface emotion. There is something underlying, maybe sadness, frustration, hopelessness, etc..
Every time I”m angry i try to take a step back and understand why I’m angry – was it because i felt abandoned or lonely that my fiance did not spend time with me. Those are the emotions I need to confront and deal with..
Noch Noch
Noch Noch´s last [type] ..challenging my worries
So clear, Noch, and so beautiful to see your willingness to know the truth. Anger is hardly ever the endpoint, and exploring what underlies it opens the gate to true knowledge and peace.
thanks Gail – yes it’s hard to dig beneath and out all the dirt. but it’s important to do so. we know ourselves much better after
Anger is a good thing, if we know how to decipher it
Noch Noch
Hi Noch,
I’m a big fan of digging in and shining the light everywhere. Why not? Our feelings and contractions are there anyway – we either see them and deal with them consciously, or they fester and infiltrate behavior. We always have a choice – and seeing reality as it is is the freeing choice.
For a long time I was angry as all get out but I didn’t even know it, I repressed it so well. I must have started such foolish behavior when I was a young child and it was all I knew to do.
Life in its wisdom finally helped me come out of my cocoon and then anger also came into the open. But now — at 80 — a middle way, shall I say. I may feel anger at times but something else is far, far more important to me. The truth of myself that does not change.
Thanks Gail. Great post.
Christopher Foster´s last [type] ..We can all be a teacher at any age
Hi Chris,
Hardly any of us have a clue when we are young, and we do our best with what we have. And thankfully – hopefully – we see the light.
When you have the commitment to truth as you do, things fall into place, and the satisfaction gained from anger begins to fall away. Thanks for sharing the view from 80!
Hi Gail,
I can see anger in my perfectionism – in the past few years, particularly in the area of personal integrity where I can be unyielding in how I expect certain people to behave.
As I relax into the space where conflict stems, I can see where I have been unyielding towards how I myself act.
The stories that sustain my anger prevent me from looking at my own story about how I perceive I have let myself down in the past. Letting go of the external stories allows me to look at the deeper story and heal from it.
Love what you write always.
This is so raw, Amyra, and oozes authenticity. We all learn from what you are sharing.
Relaxing into the space where conflict stems takes courage, and when you are willing, as you are, you are faced with the clarity of what is really going on. We may not like what we see, but seeing the truth is what sets us free. In the end, there’s just love and compassion for all of it.
Love to you…
Reading this, I feel relieved to realize that anger is not an emotion I tend to embody. When I do, I know it comes from hurt, and I only indulge the anger instead of the hurt in really extreme circumstances.
Just the other day I was cursing myself for being oversensitive, needy, and emotional. But today I feel grateful that even if I can be those things, at least I’m not angry too!
Hi Sara,
Thanks so much for stopping by!
It sounds like you don’t feel anger too often because you are able to see what underlies it. Opening to the whole of what is appearing in any moment is the path to freedom, as you are discovering. And I am wondering…what if you opened to that urge to curse yourself for feelings you are having. Maybe you will discover that you can meet the feelings, and the tendency to curse, with love and compassion. This is the end of the war with ourselves and the beginning of the peace we long for.
Sending love to all parts of you…
There is so much insight here. Anger rears it’s ugly head in so many ways and you did a great job of shedding light on some of the less noticeable manifestations of it. Perfectionism is definitely one that many people aren’t aware of. Another big one that I see a lot is anger turned inward, expressing itself as depression because it’s not being expressed in a healthy, assertive manner.
As you said, anger is normal. It’s a part of life. However, we tend to be happier, more emotionally stable people when we know how to recognize anger, process it and let it go.
Hi Nea,
Great to see you again! I appreciate you recognizing anger as a normal part of life. And yes, let’s use anger as an opportunity to free ourselves. We don’t have to be entangled in it. It can simply arise, be seen, and then we move on and let it go. What a lovely way to live!
Gail,
I’m fascinated by the idea that perfectionism is a form of anger. I don’t fully understand how this is and would love if you would write a little more about that.
Then I’ll be able to understand perfectly.
Sandra Pawula´s last [type] ..The Secret Way to Stop Thoughts and Emotions in Meditation
It’s anger toward oneself, Sandra. The thought process of perfectionism is often filled with anger and harsh judgment directed inward, rather than outward toward another. Recognizing it as such, and having great compassion, paves the way to freedom from it. It’s not an overt form of anger, but is often realized as anger when investigated thoroughly.
That said, if the idea of perfectionism being anger turned toward oneself doesn’t resonate, then best to let that go, and simply recognize the energy and limited thinking that trying to be perfect perpetuates.
Hope that is helpful!
I always find that there’s an insane amount of power behind my anger. So what I will do is trying to use this power in a creative instead of a destructive way.
Welcome to you, Alice, and thank you for your comment.
Anger can be very powerful. When we see through the story that keeps the anger going, we can realize that all that is present is physical sensation – energy. The key is to see through the story. Then you can let this energy express itself in creative ways.